Life at 1572: Crying and Dirty Dancing

Crying and Dirty Dancing

Thursday evening I had a bit of a breakdown.  I have had a lot going on, and I had an emotional wave come crashing down on me.  Now, when I think about it all I can think about is the movie Dirty Dancing where Penny is huddled in the corner of the kitchen crying, except I was in the kitchen bawling my eyes out as I stood over my infant son giving him a bath, and probably scaring the bejeezus out of him.  Patrick Swayze is in the background screaming, "She's taking a break. She needs a break!!!" I'm not the only one that has seen Dirty Dancing 125 times right?

The point being I had reached my tipping point.  I had been holding a lot of stuff in, and it all had to come out.  I'm tired. Like tired to the bone. I try to keep it to myself because I don't know how to say it without sounding like a whiner. This Recruiting Duty business is not easy.  We will reach our two year mark in July, and I think it has just caught up with me and worn me down.  The lack of help, and doing it all 24/7 has left me feeling wrung out.  It has been 6 months since my Mom's death, and that is weighing huge on me.  She was such a source of relief for me both emotionally and physically.  She was always there to listen to me when I needed to talk.  She also made herself so available to Zach and I.  Always willing to help with Jackson.  She helped us so much in so many ways, and always without us even having to ask her, and she never asked for anything in return.  I know for both Zach and I that was such a stress relief for our family.  We have talked about what a changed that has been for our family, and how difficult it has been.  

We have so much going on right now.  Stuff with Zach's work that I don't feel comfortable blogging about right now.  So many different things that I keep thinking maybe in 6 months, or maybe in a year things will start to finally look brighter.  It is difficult to think that it might take that long for things to finally seem a bit better and easier.  

I have a lot of stuff that I want to write about that isn't sunshine and rainbows, but I think I need to get it out.  Heck of a lot cheaper than a therapist even though I could probably benefit from one of those immensely at this point.  I tend to keep things on the lighter side when it comes to blogging, and this is where my problems have occurred.  This is a large part to why I stopped blogging.  It no longer felt real and honest.  It just felt like something I was doing, and I was only telling only the best stories.  Editing out much of what was going on around us, and of course not all of it was bad. I'm hoping I can keep telling our story, and tell it in the most authentic way possible. 

5 comments:

Kalyn said...

When my mom an I got it on DVD I watched it five times that day i kept playing it over an over .. its tough everything you are going through but you are strong just like your mom I have faith in you :)

zach said...

Babe I am sorry that times are rough right now and I know that they will get better with time. I do hope you continue with the blogging and telling our story. Love you.

Zach

littlebow said...

Hi there, I have just come to your blog for the first time - I feel a little the same way about blogging although I only just started, at times it feels a little pointless when no one is reading it,but at the same time Im not so sure I want the whole world knowing my personal stuff(mostly because there are alot of not so nice people out there). Perhaps you need a diary to get it all out onto, write a little every day, and you will soon be pouring your heart out - sometimes its best in pen and paper to express yourself because we don't always mean what we say when we are emotional and blogging is very public and very permanent. I'm so sad for you about your mum. I too have a toddler and I know how frustrating that can be on your own, Im lucky to have hubby at home and mum on a regular basis to keep me sane. have you considered child care of some sort for a few hours a week? just so you can have some you time. Kia Kaha my friend - Stay strong. sending you best wishes for strength and happiness from the other side of the world. x

Grandma Rosie said...

Oh sweetie, so wish I could be there to help more than I am. I know that your Mother-in-Law is not the same as your Mamma, especially as close as the 2 of you were, but call and bitch all you want to me. Told you that.

Love you all so very much!!!!!

xoxoxoxox

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